A Day To Change A World

The life of a "Nice Guy"

2010-06-30T03:20:00.000-07:00

[Girl's FB Status]: i just hurt probably the sweetest guy on this planet just now...

I just wanted to say, my entire life, I have been spending it to make people happy.

Thats my goal, of life, to make anyone and everyone happy.

But it seems, that all that I do for people and how much I listen, every little thing I think about being all I can be isnt enough.
I get punted, the nice guys always finish last.
Thats bullshit, I've tried being nice, i briefly tried being a dick, i tried being coky. Ive tried all the faces. I want to be me, I am me, but for some reason, this world doesn't "want" me.

I give so much, I have to hide so much or people just think of me as a freak.
I cant ever show my feelings to my parents. The one people that you are told that have the #1 ability to help you. because, thats what parents do. My parents dont care, I could have lost limbs or be heartbroken 4 times over, they will never know.

As much as I try to show it, people are afraid of being nice, or helping someone out.

I gave everything in my life to be with her. She just bounced from guy to guy, always comming back to my loving arms whenever they're were problems.
I Love her, I always will, Ill always be here for her, even if she breaks my heart, over, and over. I cant be cold, I cant just say "fuck off"

Linds came along, and, She stood out, she was outstandish, and didnt care what people thought, she was the opposite of my turtled up self. I opened up, allowed myself to become attached to her. I know they're things people frown upon in our distance physically and emotionally. I want to be with her. I dont want her to experience life like every other girl has had to bouncing from asshole to asshole. I want to be the one. but. she needs time, and I'll wait forever is thats how long she needs, I just dont know, when shes ready, if she'll still want me, ill just be a old friend by then, she has so much to explore. I just hope, that one day we can have a romantic getaway, a candle light dinner on a beach, something romantic, I dont need sex or sexual activities to be happy, I just need the satifaction that, I have made her feel like the wonderful girl she is.

Lastly, a small crush, she was nothing, but shes the one that burst the vault of stored up feelings. She saw through my faces, she knew she was hurting me, I couldnt just leave. it was face to face, via internet, and who said the internet cant allow the showing of emotion. but the fact, i liked her, she liked me, but she also liked 50 other guys, and was flirting with all them at once, when i heard this, i felt a sense of, get out of there, andthat, i'd been working towards getting to know and opening up feelings between us. none of it meant anything, when she dropped the bomb that she was still inlove with the guy that has knocked up 2 other girls, and maybe even her. even if she was knocked up, I dont care, i would stay around and help with the bby, because it was hers. and its the right thing to do.

I got fired last week, because I got injured on the job. for the first week, i was so worried what my parents would think if they found out i was jobless. I lied, said i was fine, went to the doctor, apperantly i was days away from tendonitus. Im not really fond of developing that while im 21 years old.

Im a depressed guy, lonely, living in his parents house, bouncing between jobs, no real friends i can go see and have a good time, my depression kicks in, and multiplies this all by 10, and my love life, non existant.

I try to be all i can be, and the world. society and life frowns upon me.
Should i take the hint and leave...

Not all "sweet" guys finish nicely. Most with death. Because of the lives they are put through.

:/

2010-06-12T18:45:00.002-07:00

I don't think I'll be able to trust girls anymore. Everyone I have been with just rips my heart out.

I did everything and anything to have her.
I tried all the games, I tried not talking, being cold, being lovely, calling everyday, and even the in between, but it was never enough, there was always something for her to bitch about, she was such a bitch to me, at the time I was so blinded by love to see, that she didn't want me at all, she just wanted to pull the string and watch me crumble.

I know what I want to do in life now. I know its going to take time to do. But. I also know, I'll never be happy without love.

Maybe it doesn't matter what jobs I work, or what pay I make, if I go partying or just stay home, all that matters, and the only thing that will make me truly happy inside.

Is if I can find that one girl that will truly love me for me, and not for the images I put on, the people I think I am. But can actually see through the lies and untrustworthyness that, I am human under this exteriour, I need someone to realize who I am. I might be Leq to some, or Jordie to others. But in essence, every name, every person I meet, I am always going to be different.
Because, I live to make people smile. To make people happy. But. It seems I have failed at the one thing in life that keeps me living.

I should be on medication... But, no one can see me underneath... And I cant show myself because, I will wither.

I will not cry over her anymore.

I wont be able to do anything soon.

2010-06-12T18:45:00.001-07:00

Her

2010-04-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

”When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”

My heart has trouble loving again, because, its afraid of being hurt yet again.

2009-10-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

You know, at 20, I really dont think its natural to think about killing yourself daily, I often plan entire events, but I never think about ACTUALLY doing them, I Ache and have inherited bad joints and bones, I wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed, because there's no point to it. I really wish someone would notice, I dont know how to get help. I am unable to be "Happy", I put on a smile and I pretend, my whole life is a wish and a lie. Makes me think if one really bad day is going to come along and well, I dont think i'll be able to control myself and I will loose all control. It's Happened in the past. And, I just know its going to happen again, I can feel it.

Again

2009-09-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

So, with the way my life works, I get very bored easily, so, I will try to post, although no one reads these, it helps get thoughts out of my head and into somewhere.
I will be writing about PAX yes the Penny Arcade Expo I was very recently at, IT WAS AMAZING :)
You know, IRL I usually have little confidence because someone is always better etc. etc. etc., but PAX is one time a year that I feel I can do anything and everything. It unleashes the beast from within.
If I could just find something, a job, that makes me that happy, I would be beyond happy.
So if anyone has or does read this in the future, please, feel free to let me know ideas

hope

2009-03-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

Hoping to get back to my writing now that I have a job.
I have been told even though I work in a warehouse, a strict exercise routine will keep me from being less moody and less depressed.
I want to write again, because, its just something I've always wanted to do, but can never focus. So.
Come April, my life is going to become VERY different.
Sorry WoW'ers doesn't seem like im going to be on much.
My health is more important then a video game or a social life.
Thinking about taking a course to be a paramedic.
Thought a lot today.
Hoping I can follow through.
I dont know why, but she said I was hollow. That she couldn't see the happiness anymore. Somethings missing in my life that makes my happy, I wish i knew what.

health

2009-03-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

I think I need to see a doctor or...psychologist...
I don't feel right anymore.
I get awfully depressed.
My life is falling apart.
I owe a shit load of money.
People are worried about me. They don't know whats wrong but some can see it.
I want to smile, I want to be happy.
I want to be mentally stable to have a relationship.
I'm so lost.

A little background.
2ish years ago. I had to be rushed in to see a psychologist.
because me and my dad got in a fight about nothing and I started to inflict pain on myself.
I tore a chunk out of my hand, and didn't feel any of it. (it wasn't on purpose, it was just a fit of rage and a folding chair did it.)
I walked across a road, a busy road, and didn't even look for a car. I couldn't stop myself it just felt like something took over.

The psychologist said I had a case of bad depression.
I decided against the pills and the continued therapy. Because I felt 'normal' again
She told me, that it would come back one day.

I think all this stress Ive had over the last 4 months, has made it come back.

and I'm scared.

gah

2009-03-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, im in love with this girl. today i pretty much told her i wasn't giving up on her no matter what, and she said she wasn't going to give up on me either, and says one day we will be together.
gah.
I dont know if im stupid, but
I do know im crazy about this girl

heartbreak

2009-03-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Jordan says:
well a while ago, you asked how i felt about you.. and i told you. and well i asked how you felt after and you said uhm and went offline. and well stopped replying to my stuff

Samantha says:
Jordan im sorry i dont know what to say to you. its really hard for me

Jordan says:
:/ well idk, i keep thinking about you

Samantha says:
i think just cause your lonely and im vulnerable.

Jordan says:
but im not lonely anymore, well not really. i turned down a date this weekend cuz i just dont feel like it :/ and well i just wish i knew

Samantha says:
Jordan i used to be so crazy about you, and i said it was love but it wasnt, i have only been in love once and that was Aaron, not even Dalton it wasnt. because when you love someone you cant stop, and you always will love them for the memories and stuff. and well, when i liked you in the past it was like a school girl crush id literally hold the phone waiting for you to call . or if someone else
would grab the phone when it rang and i knew it was you id freak out at them and fight for the phone.. like i liked you alot. and you just hurt me so many times, and then i just realized like wow. he must not give a shit about me if he has done that. and well last summer when i wanted you to come, i just wanted to be friends with you and nothing more, but as the time came closer to you coming i
was thinking and im like .. well maybe he will like me as more... and i was all nervous and stuff and then i wanted you to like me cause i started to like you all over, and then when you kept saying you didnt think id come get you and stuff it was just like wtf! as if i would do that, and i was shocked to know you thought i was that kindof a person when im not at all. i wouldnt ever do that to you
and that was it and the feelings wont come back for you and im sorry, maybe if i were to hangout with you as a friend and those feelings came back i dont know.

Jordan says:
i know you wouldnt

Samantha says:
all i know is that i cant like you because i cant handle you hurting me anymore, or anyone i cant be with anyone, especially you. and i wish that it wouldnt have turned out that way because your a sweet guy, and your always here for me. and im so glad that i have you in my life so thanks

Jordan says:
wow

unsure

2009-03-07T01:12:00.001-08:00

I have no effing clue what i want to do with my life

Day One... Work

2009-03-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

Today I start my first day at my new job, working at my dads work, 2 weeks guaranteed the rest with time. I want to work, very badly, but not in a warehouse, but I have bills to pay.
hard after no work peeling myself off of my late night computer life, waiting to wake up at 6:30AM for a full day of work. Sigh. I guess sometimes life does it thing.

Fun?

2009-03-02T04:53:00.000-08:00

I get bored, Photoshop is fun

PC troubles

2009-03-02T04:10:00.000-08:00

PC is starting to fail. Will be rebuilding EVERYTHING soon. Then expanding on 3 PC's

Philosophy

2009-03-01T02:59:00.000-08:00

Humans are not mammals. Humans are like a virus.

2009-02-27T03:50:00.000-08:00

One day, I came across a test.
This test was life.
One day, I will change the world.
Even if its as little as a picture.

JTN(c)

Day one.

2009-02-27T02:33:00.000-08:00

One Big Step...
oh what the hell
Hi
:)