Sunday, October 18, 2009
You know, at 20, I really dont think its natural to think about killing yourself daily, I often plan entire events, but I never think about ACTUALLY doing them, I Ache and have inherited bad joints and bones, I wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed, because there's no point to it. I really wish someone would notice, I dont know how to get help. I am unable to be "Happy", I put on a smile and I pretend, my whole life is a wish and a lie. Makes me think if one really bad day is going to come along and well, I dont think i'll be able to control myself and I will loose all control. It's Happened in the past. And, I just know its going to happen again, I can feel it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Again
So, with the way my life works, I get very bored easily, so, I will try to post, although no one reads these, it helps get thoughts out of my head and into somewhere.
I will be writing about PAX yes the Penny Arcade Expo I was very recently at, IT WAS AMAZING :)
You know, IRL I usually have little confidence because someone is always better etc. etc. etc., but PAX is one time a year that I feel I can do anything and everything. It unleashes the beast from within.
If I could just find something, a job, that makes me that happy, I would be beyond happy.
So if anyone has or does read this in the future, please, feel free to let me know ideas
I will be writing about PAX yes the Penny Arcade Expo I was very recently at, IT WAS AMAZING :)
You know, IRL I usually have little confidence because someone is always better etc. etc. etc., but PAX is one time a year that I feel I can do anything and everything. It unleashes the beast from within.
If I could just find something, a job, that makes me that happy, I would be beyond happy.
So if anyone has or does read this in the future, please, feel free to let me know ideas
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
hope
Hoping to get back to my writing now that I have a job.
I have been told even though I work in a warehouse, a strict exercise routine will keep me from being less moody and less depressed.
I want to write again, because, its just something I've always wanted to do, but can never focus. So.
Come April, my life is going to become VERY different.
Sorry WoW'ers doesn't seem like im going to be on much.
My health is more important then a video game or a social life.
Thinking about taking a course to be a paramedic.
Thought a lot today.
Hoping I can follow through.
I dont know why, but she said I was hollow. That she couldn't see the happiness anymore. Somethings missing in my life that makes my happy, I wish i knew what.
I have been told even though I work in a warehouse, a strict exercise routine will keep me from being less moody and less depressed.
I want to write again, because, its just something I've always wanted to do, but can never focus. So.
Come April, my life is going to become VERY different.
Sorry WoW'ers doesn't seem like im going to be on much.
My health is more important then a video game or a social life.
Thinking about taking a course to be a paramedic.
Thought a lot today.
Hoping I can follow through.
I dont know why, but she said I was hollow. That she couldn't see the happiness anymore. Somethings missing in my life that makes my happy, I wish i knew what.
Monday, March 16, 2009
health
I think I need to see a doctor or...psychologist...
I don't feel right anymore.
I get awfully depressed.
My life is falling apart.
I owe a shit load of money.
People are worried about me. They don't know whats wrong but some can see it.
I want to smile, I want to be happy.
I want to be mentally stable to have a relationship.
I'm so lost.
A little background.
2ish years ago. I had to be rushed in to see a psychologist.
because me and my dad got in a fight about nothing and I started to inflict pain on myself.
I tore a chunk out of my hand, and didn't feel any of it. (it wasn't on purpose, it was just a fit of rage and a folding chair did it.)
I walked across a road, a busy road, and didn't even look for a car. I couldn't stop myself it just felt like something took over.
The psychologist said I had a case of bad depression.
I decided against the pills and the continued therapy. Because I felt 'normal' again
She told me, that it would come back one day.
I think all this stress Ive had over the last 4 months, has made it come back.
and I'm scared.
I don't feel right anymore.
I get awfully depressed.
My life is falling apart.
I owe a shit load of money.
People are worried about me. They don't know whats wrong but some can see it.
I want to smile, I want to be happy.
I want to be mentally stable to have a relationship.
I'm so lost.
A little background.
2ish years ago. I had to be rushed in to see a psychologist.
because me and my dad got in a fight about nothing and I started to inflict pain on myself.
I tore a chunk out of my hand, and didn't feel any of it. (it wasn't on purpose, it was just a fit of rage and a folding chair did it.)
I walked across a road, a busy road, and didn't even look for a car. I couldn't stop myself it just felt like something took over.
The psychologist said I had a case of bad depression.
I decided against the pills and the continued therapy. Because I felt 'normal' again
She told me, that it would come back one day.
I think all this stress Ive had over the last 4 months, has made it come back.
and I'm scared.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
gah
Ok, im in love with this girl. today i pretty much told her i wasn't giving up on her no matter what, and she said she wasn't going to give up on me either, and says one day we will be together.
gah.
I dont know if im stupid, but
I do know im crazy about this girl
gah.
I dont know if im stupid, but
I do know im crazy about this girl
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
heartbreak
Jordan says:
well a while ago, you asked how i felt about you.. and i told you. and well i asked how you felt after and you said uhm and went offline. and well stopped replying to my stuff
Samantha says:
Jordan im sorry i dont know what to say to you. its really hard for me
Jordan says:
:/ well idk, i keep thinking about you
Samantha says:
i think just cause your lonely and im vulnerable.
Jordan says:
but im not lonely anymore, well not really. i turned down a date this weekend cuz i just dont feel like it :/ and well i just wish i knew
Samantha says:
Jordan i used to be so crazy about you, and i said it was love but it wasnt, i have only been in love once and that was Aaron, not even Dalton it wasnt. because when you love someone you cant stop, and you always will love them for the memories and stuff. and well, when i liked you in the past it was like a school girl crush id literally hold the phone waiting for you to call . or if someone else
would grab the phone when it rang and i knew it was you id freak out at them and fight for the phone.. like i liked you alot. and you just hurt me so many times, and then i just realized like wow. he must not give a shit about me if he has done that. and well last summer when i wanted you to come, i just wanted to be friends with you and nothing more, but as the time came closer to you coming i
was thinking and im like .. well maybe he will like me as more... and i was all nervous and stuff and then i wanted you to like me cause i started to like you all over, and then when you kept saying you didnt think id come get you and stuff it was just like wtf! as if i would do that, and i was shocked to know you thought i was that kindof a person when im not at all. i wouldnt ever do that to you
and that was it and the feelings wont come back for you and im sorry, maybe if i were to hangout with you as a friend and those feelings came back i dont know.
Jordan says:
i know you wouldnt
Samantha says:
all i know is that i cant like you because i cant handle you hurting me anymore, or anyone i cant be with anyone, especially you. and i wish that it wouldnt have turned out that way because your a sweet guy, and your always here for me. and im so glad that i have you in my life so thanks
Jordan says:
wow
well a while ago, you asked how i felt about you.. and i told you. and well i asked how you felt after and you said uhm and went offline. and well stopped replying to my stuff
Samantha says:
Jordan im sorry i dont know what to say to you. its really hard for me
Jordan says:
:/ well idk, i keep thinking about you
Samantha says:
i think just cause your lonely and im vulnerable.
Jordan says:
but im not lonely anymore, well not really. i turned down a date this weekend cuz i just dont feel like it :/ and well i just wish i knew
Samantha says:
Jordan i used to be so crazy about you, and i said it was love but it wasnt, i have only been in love once and that was Aaron, not even Dalton it wasnt. because when you love someone you cant stop, and you always will love them for the memories and stuff. and well, when i liked you in the past it was like a school girl crush id literally hold the phone waiting for you to call . or if someone else
would grab the phone when it rang and i knew it was you id freak out at them and fight for the phone.. like i liked you alot. and you just hurt me so many times, and then i just realized like wow. he must not give a shit about me if he has done that. and well last summer when i wanted you to come, i just wanted to be friends with you and nothing more, but as the time came closer to you coming i
was thinking and im like .. well maybe he will like me as more... and i was all nervous and stuff and then i wanted you to like me cause i started to like you all over, and then when you kept saying you didnt think id come get you and stuff it was just like wtf! as if i would do that, and i was shocked to know you thought i was that kindof a person when im not at all. i wouldnt ever do that to you
and that was it and the feelings wont come back for you and im sorry, maybe if i were to hangout with you as a friend and those feelings came back i dont know.
Jordan says:
i know you wouldnt
Samantha says:
all i know is that i cant like you because i cant handle you hurting me anymore, or anyone i cant be with anyone, especially you. and i wish that it wouldnt have turned out that way because your a sweet guy, and your always here for me. and im so glad that i have you in my life so thanks
Jordan says:
wow
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Day One... Work
Today I start my first day at my new job, working at my dads work, 2 weeks guaranteed the rest with time. I want to work, very badly, but not in a warehouse, but I have bills to pay.
hard after no work peeling myself off of my late night computer life, waiting to wake up at 6:30AM for a full day of work. Sigh. I guess sometimes life does it thing.
hard after no work peeling myself off of my late night computer life, waiting to wake up at 6:30AM for a full day of work. Sigh. I guess sometimes life does it thing.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
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