The life of a "Nice Guy"

[Girl's FB Status]: i just hurt probably the sweetest guy on this planet just now...

I just wanted to say, my entire life, I have been spending it to make people happy.

Thats my goal, of life, to make anyone and everyone happy.

But it seems, that all that I do for people and how much I listen, every little thing I think about being all I can be isnt enough.
I get punted, the nice guys always finish last.
Thats bullshit, I've tried being nice, i briefly tried being a dick, i tried being coky. Ive tried all the faces. I want to be me, I am me, but for some reason, this world doesn't "want" me.

I give so much, I have to hide so much or people just think of me as a freak.
I cant ever show my feelings to my parents. The one people that you are told that have the #1 ability to help you. because, thats what parents do. My parents dont care, I could have lost limbs or be heartbroken 4 times over, they will never know.

As much as I try to show it, people are afraid of being nice, or helping someone out.

I gave everything in my life to be with her. She just bounced from guy to guy, always comming back to my loving arms whenever they're were problems.
I Love her, I always will, Ill always be here for her, even if she breaks my heart, over, and over. I cant be cold, I cant just say "fuck off"

Linds came along, and, She stood out, she was outstandish, and didnt care what people thought, she was the opposite of my turtled up self. I opened up, allowed myself to become attached to her. I know they're things people frown upon in our distance physically and emotionally. I want to be with her. I dont want her to experience life like every other girl has had to bouncing from asshole to asshole. I want to be the one. but. she needs time, and I'll wait forever is thats how long she needs, I just dont know, when shes ready, if she'll still want me, ill just be a old friend by then, she has so much to explore. I just hope, that one day we can have a romantic getaway, a candle light dinner on a beach, something romantic, I dont need sex or sexual activities to be happy, I just need the satifaction that, I have made her feel like the wonderful girl she is.

Lastly, a small crush, she was nothing, but shes the one that burst the vault of stored up feelings. She saw through my faces, she knew she was hurting me, I couldnt just leave. it was face to face, via internet, and who said the internet cant allow the showing of emotion. but the fact, i liked her, she liked me, but she also liked 50 other guys, and was flirting with all them at once, when i heard this, i felt a sense of, get out of there, andthat, i'd been working towards getting to know and opening up feelings between us. none of it meant anything, when she dropped the bomb that she was still inlove with the guy that has knocked up 2 other girls, and maybe even her. even if she was knocked up, I dont care, i would stay around and help with the bby, because it was hers. and its the right thing to do.

I got fired last week, because I got injured on the job. for the first week, i was so worried what my parents would think if they found out i was jobless. I lied, said i was fine, went to the doctor, apperantly i was days away from tendonitus. Im not really fond of developing that while im 21 years old.

Im a depressed guy, lonely, living in his parents house, bouncing between jobs, no real friends i can go see and have a good time, my depression kicks in, and multiplies this all by 10, and my love life, non existant.

I try to be all i can be, and the world. society and life frowns upon me.
Should i take the hint and leave...

Not all "sweet" guys finish nicely. Most with death. Because of the lives they are put through.

:/

I don't think I'll be able to trust girls anymore. Everyone I have been with just rips my heart out.

I did everything and anything to have her.
I tried all the games, I tried not talking, being cold, being lovely, calling everyday, and even the in between, but it was never enough, there was always something for her to bitch about, she was such a bitch to me, at the time I was so blinded by love to see, that she didn't want me at all, she just wanted to pull the string and watch me crumble.

I know what I want to do in life now. I know its going to take time to do. But. I also know, I'll never be happy without love.

Maybe it doesn't matter what jobs I work, or what pay I make, if I go partying or just stay home, all that matters, and the only thing that will make me truly happy inside.

Is if I can find that one girl that will truly love me for me, and not for the images I put on, the people I think I am. But can actually see through the lies and untrustworthyness that, I am human under this exteriour, I need someone to realize who I am. I might be Leq to some, or Jordie to others. But in essence, every name, every person I meet, I am always going to be different.
Because, I live to make people smile. To make people happy. But. It seems I have failed at the one thing in life that keeps me living.

I should be on medication... But, no one can see me underneath... And I cant show myself because, I will wither.

I will not cry over her anymore.

I wont be able to do anything soon.

Her

”When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”

My heart has trouble loving again, because, its afraid of being hurt yet again.

You know, at 20, I really dont think its natural to think about killing yourself daily, I often plan entire events, but I never think about ACTUALLY doing them, I Ache and have inherited bad joints and bones, I wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed, because there's no point to it. I really wish someone would notice, I dont know how to get help. I am unable to be "Happy", I put on a smile and I pretend, my whole life is a wish and a lie. Makes me think if one really bad day is going to come along and well, I dont think i'll be able to control myself and I will loose all control. It's Happened in the past. And, I just know its going to happen again, I can feel it.

Again

So, with the way my life works, I get very bored easily, so, I will try to post, although no one reads these, it helps get thoughts out of my head and into somewhere.
I will be writing about PAX yes the Penny Arcade Expo I was very recently at, IT WAS AMAZING :)
You know, IRL I usually have little confidence because someone is always better etc. etc. etc., but PAX is one time a year that I feel I can do anything and everything. It unleashes the beast from within.
If I could just find something, a job, that makes me that happy, I would be beyond happy.
So if anyone has or does read this in the future, please, feel free to let me know ideas

hope

Hoping to get back to my writing now that I have a job.
I have been told even though I work in a warehouse, a strict exercise routine will keep me from being less moody and less depressed.
I want to write again, because, its just something I've always wanted to do, but can never focus. So.
Come April, my life is going to become VERY different.
Sorry WoW'ers doesn't seem like im going to be on much.
My health is more important then a video game or a social life.
Thinking about taking a course to be a paramedic.
Thought a lot today.
Hoping I can follow through.
I dont know why, but she said I was hollow. That she couldn't see the happiness anymore. Somethings missing in my life that makes my happy, I wish i knew what.